Remember: "Faith Is Believing..."

"Faith is believing in things even when common sense
 tells you not to."

This is my definition of faith, borrowed from the movie "Miracle on 34th Street".  It remains, for me, one of the most practical and simple ways to understand the concept,  I have yet to hear a better one.

Movie Clip:  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M2sjRRcONOc


Although simplistic in nature, it can be quite difficult to keep believing all of the time,  Let's face it, real life can get in the way of faith, especially in adulthood.

We may not have the relationship, the job, toy  or whatever it is we so want, After all, even the real Santa Claus, (as exemplified in the movie), cannot do everything,

However, we must not lose faith, belief and our sense of wonderment in all that we can become and have, if we work for it.  The truth: Much of the work is ours to do. "Faith without works, is dead."

We can "Think, Feel and Do" our way into becoming the best we can be and thus, become capable of living and enjoying life to the fullest. This, as with any other endeavor, requires faith and belief, in  ourselves, first and foremost!

For your consideration, below is a list of some more of my favorite quotes regarding faith, (non religious in nature):

Michelangelo: "Achieving anything requires faith and belief in yourself, vision, hard work, determination, and dedication. Faith in oneself… is the best and safest course."

Martin Luther King, Jr.: "Take the first step in faith. You don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step."

Eleanor Roosevelt: "He who loses money, loses much; He who loses a friend, loses much more; He who loses faith, loses all."

Richard M. Devos: "The only thing that stands between a man and what he wants from life is often merely the will to try it and the faith to believe that it is possible."

Elizabeth Barrett Browning: "If you desire faith, then you have faith enough."

Of course, having faith alone is not enough as it is said,"Faith without works is dead" is also a truism. We must learn to be our own Santas; active participants in the process of our lives.

Believing in ourselves, we can "Think, Feel and Do" better and thus enjoy our lives more fully.

Faith comes from your heart. May you keep yours near and dear in all endeavors. Keep believing and doing the work required and you too will find happiness, which itself is success.

There is no doubt  these last couple of years have been especially difficult for many us, however, if you really take a look back, I believe you may also see some positives.

Remember, "Faith is believing when common sense tell us not to". Try to keep and work towards this type of faith, this Holiday Season, and throughout the coming year.

This year, let us be grateful for all we have in our lives and have the faith, belief and willingness to make next year even better, in all areas of our lives.

Wishing you and yours a wonderful holiday season.

Victoria

Positive Adaptation - An Overview (reprint)

“Just when the caterpillar thought
it was over,




it became a butterfly”

The answer to “Now what?”, "I am just not 'happy' or "Is this it, is this all there is?", is Positive Adaptation, (PA). Whatever the the situation, problem or issue, we must ask ourselves a different question: “How am I going to emerge from this day, a 'healthier' and 'happier' person, more ready and able to truly enjoy all that life has to offer!

We need to dig deep and discover our best selves, develop new coping skills which will in turn greatly improve our lives and overall optimal well being right now and in the future.

Positive Adaptation, (PA), is a choice, a decision, way of living and handling life’s most sensitive issues. When PA becomes integrated into your life you will have more positive feelings and attitudes and as a result, more positive outcomes. Remember: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is just another form of self-sabotage. Positive Adaptation is the answer to this perplexing pattern of thought, feeling and behavior, until now, many of us have learned and practiced throughout of lives.

Literature or discussions of positive adaptation have historically been associated with positive psychology and/or traumatic events therapy. I propose a much more universal and expanded version which can be applied to everyday living. Thus, 'Positive Adaptation' emerged.

'Positive Adaptation' is: one part thinking, one part feeing and one part doing, (action). The trick is discovering how to utilize all three, not necessarily in this particular order. All three parts must be implemented throughout the process to achieve optimal positive results.

Incorporating Positive Adaptation into our daily lives is simple, but admittedly, not always easy. It takes practice and time, but it can be done! I am living proof.  I and many others have already made the choice to positively change, so can you! Life is to be lived and enjoyed, not merely survived or feeling as if you only exist.

Offering images, quotes, analogies, feel good music and personal examples, this blog will explain what Positive Adaptation is and how it works. 

It is never to soon or too late to become who you are meant to be and enjoy life to it's fullest!

Today, let us all choose to have greater positive feelings about ourselves and on our outlook on life. Just take the time to look around..... it is a wonderful world and we are part of it.

Let's begin anew today.
Victoria

(For those of you who have previously read this overview, please just consider it a gentle reminder.)

(Photos by: Renee Rendler-Kaplan)

It's In The Journey

It's the Journey.....not the destination.

You probably have heard this one a million times.

But do you really believe it?  Do you live your life this way?

It is the journey that matters most because the destination may always be changing.  Life is really just one big journey with many crossroads along the way.

Many of us feel these are 'some scary times' we live in. We often find ourselves full of fear, anger and doubt.

Today, we can choose a different path. A path which will help us move forward on our journey successfully and one where we will find ourselves looking back, only to realize we came through it all, feeling, thinking and doing, 'better' than ever before.

At this crossroad, let us take a moment to be still, take a deep breath and  look around at the all the beauty in our lives, feel gratitude for all we do have and know in our hearts, WE will be okay.  

Enjoy this quiet, peaceful, resting place. We all deserve a break once in a while.

So go ahead.... allow yourself this one.

Happy New Year!

Victoria

Choose To "Restart"

When a computer application is running slowly or continues to cause problems, don't you eventually force it to quit and restart your system? 

When we are having a "bad day" or feel we need to head in another direction, we can come to the same conclusion and internally: Restart.

We can restart our day anytime we choose. Through Positive Adaptation, we can 'Think, Feel and Do' better about ourselves and our lives. When needed or desired: realize it is time to take a moment, take a few cleansing breaths and press your own "restart" button.  I have found this method quite effective for myself.

I understand that change, of any kind, can be scary, however, there are also times when remaining in your status quo may appear equally as frightening, if not more so.

I have made, (and continue to), make positive changes in my own life and I assist others to do the same. Restarting is one of several tools I use and find it not only helps myself, but additionally, those around me.

You can decide to do this anytime you want or need to, as many times as you feel is necessary. You will 'Think, Feel and Do' better and be happier. In time, you will discover you are positively changing the direction of your entire life.  Integrating the choice to restart is one of the greatest gifts you can give, (and receive), yourself.

Today, make the decision when needed, take the actions to 'Think, Feel and Do' better and allow yourself to be feel better about yourself and your life.

No day needs to start, continue all day and end a "bad day".
Remember, you have your own restart button.

Victoria

Today Is Your Day! (The Rest and Best-Part 2)

"Today Is Your Day..."

"Oh The Places You Will Go"    
~ Dr. Seuss

Today is the day, the only one we have to become our best selves. Remember, it is never too late to become who you are meant to be and to enjoy life to the fullest. Let us begin anew, today!

Positive Adaptation teaches us that we all have the power, within us, to 'Think, Feel and Do' better. Whether the improvement sought is personal, professional, relational, financial or a combination, PA offers a guide, a way of living which assists us in finding and maintaining the healthy balance we seek.

(Read Positive Adaptation - An Overview at: http://positiveadaptation.blogspot.com/2009/02/positive-adaptation-overview.html)

Positive Adaptation is a simple concept, however, not always easy in daily practice. Our patterns of 'Thinking, Feeling and Doing' are generally learned early on in life and all too often become ingrained, first nature to us. We must choose to identify the patterns that, to date, have not been working for us and then discover new, better ways to handle whatever life challenges are presented us. We have everything we need to do so, now, already within us.

Just because 'that is the way it has always been' does not mean that is the way it always has to be. Change requires courage, even when the change is for the better. We have to learn to walk through any fears we may have, as not doing so keeps us where we have always been. I love how simply Susan Jeffers's stated how to work through fear: "Feel the fear and do it anyway."

The way to achieve change is not to go around it or in avoiding it. The only way to achieve our best selves is having the courage to go through change.

Life is to not to be survived or merely existed. Life is to be experienced, savored and enjoyed. Why would we choose to settle for a 'status quo' that has not lead us where we wanted to go when we can do better?

Empower yourself! Make the decision to 'Think, Feel and Do' your best today. "You have brains in your head and feet in your shoes. You can decide which direction to choose."

This brings me to what I believe is the greatest 'self help' book written to date, (as I have yet to publish mine), Dr. Suess's "Oh The Places You will Go."

You'll get mixed up, of course,
as you already know.
You'll get mixed up
with many strange birds as you go.
So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
and remember that Life's
a Great Balancing Act.
Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.
And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?

Yes! You will, indeed!

(98 and 3 / 4 percent guaranteed.)

KID, YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!

So...

be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray

or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea,

you're off to Great Places!

Today is your day!

Your mountain is waiting.

So...get on your way!

---Dr. Seuss


Today is your day, enjoy it!
Victoria

Put Your Mask On First

Place your oxygen mask

on first......

Have you ever been on an airplane and watched a flight attendant, (or now, a video), demonstrate the "oxygen mask procedure"? They always instruct you to place your mask on yourself first before helping anyone else with theirs. Always.  They never say, "Of course this is really selfish of you, but hey, what the heck".  No, they go on to explain even if you are traveling with your own child, you must put your mask on first so you will be able to help them with theirs.

I used to think to myself, "No way! I am going to help my child first." That is until I really understood the logic and the difference between acting selfishly and practicing self care.  

Simply defined, selfish is being concerned only with yourself to the exclusion of others.  Self care is being actively concerned about yourself AND others. In practicing self care we are including ourselves in our list of most important people and others will benefit too. 

Many of us make attending to the needs and wants of others first a way of life. This just comes naturally to us. Like blinking, we may not even realize we are doing it. We may be born caretakers, worriers, controllers or just innately nurturing. There are times this may prove to be harmful to us, in many ways, if we are not taking care of ourselves. 

That is until something happens.  We may have feelings which have been building up for a long time.  Yet, it seems as if all of a sudden, we experience anger, sadness, resentment, anxiety, frustration, feel completely drained and/or become physically ill.  It is only then that we realize we have reached our own breaking point.  We have given so much of ourselves to others but not enough to ourselves.  As a result, now we 'cannot breathe'. Two of the most commonly used terms to describe this crisis state are "caregiver stress" and "burnout".

If we cannot breathe  how much help can we really be to anyone else? We must always remember to put our mask on first so that we can be there for ourselves and others. I came to embrace this way of thinking as not being selfish at all, but rather, participating in my own self care program.

I am a mother, a wife, a sibling, a friend, a volunteer, a blogger and a practicing therapist. I was also the adult child of aging parents, (now deceased), and openly admit I have suffered from caregiver stress in the past.

I have come to understand that to be the best I can be, (at any or all of these roles), I must take care of myself and allow others to help me ,as well.  

Believing in self care is not selfish.  It is the only lasting way to be of service to myself and others.

I hope you will consider putting your mask on first too!

Victoria

Reason versus Truth

"I have one request: may I never use

my reason against truth."

~ Elie Wiesel

Most of us grew up hearing "Honesty is the best policy". However, somewhere along the way, many of us figured out there are loopholes to be found in this statement and we became quite proficient at finding and using them.

We seem to develop other, less positive, coping mechanisms: rationalizing, making excuses, omitting certain details, "sugar coating" and other ways in which to "spin the truth". We generally are prone to engage in these when we do not want, (or others), to have to face something unpleasant and/or when negative consequences appear imminent.

Let us not kid ourselves, there are many ways to be dishonest. A major problem with utilizing these negative techniques is it is a fundamental betrayal to ourselves and others. In fact, if we learn to use them too well, we are at risk of actually believing our own lies.

Honesty, (truthfulness), especially with ourselves, is actually a great asset and no matter what the situation, can provide a sense of inner peace and freedom.

The courage to look reality squarely in the face is a huge first step in best coping with it in a productive, positive and healthy manner.

Yes, the truth can hurt, however, not dealing with it can be much worse. I have found that being honest hurts much less in the long run.

To truly become our best selves, we must learn to believe and trust in the fact that we are strong enough to handle the truth, whatever it is, and not use "reason" to avoid it. When we do, this is when our best coping and healing skills are found.

'Truth is the best policy", if we want to 'Think, Feel and Do' and be our best.

We must only remember how we deliver the truth is equally as important as telling it. There is generally no need to be brutal. We need only be considerate of our own and others feelings and we will do just fine.

We can handle the truth. In doing so, we are being our best. It is in standing and living in our truth that we will find greater personal freedom and the inner peace we seek.

Victoria

Photo by: Renee Rendler-Kaplan

Be inspired: "Make my day."

"The main thing is not how long you're

on the planet, but the quality you have while

you are here. That is the only thing

that really matters." ~ Clint Eastwood

Clint Eastwood: another person is my series of actual people who personify Positive Adaptation in action. At every age, he states he has challenged himself to learn, grow and be the best he can be.

Eastwood, who almost 40 years ago, in the classic film "Dirty Harry" said: "Go ahead, make my day." is still making the very most of every one of his days.

Now, almost 80 years young, Eastwood lives his own words of wisdom: "Follow what you think. You want to do something? Then just do it the best you can." He believes that living ones' best life is about "expanding, constantly pushing yourself."

Clint Eastwood's career, from 'Spagetti Western" actor to multi-academy award winning actor and director, is proof of his dedication to self and professional growth. "He challenges his audiences by challenging himself and inspires us all in the process."

Today, let us follow his example. Let us be inspired to be the best we can be, live and enjoy life to the fullest.

Go ahead.... make your day!

Victoria

Living in Harmony

"Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony." ~ Mahatma Gandi

Positive Adaptation is about achieving harmony, obtaining and sustaining a healthy balance, in all areas of life. Living a life in harmony clears the path to our being our best and enjoy life to the fullest.

We must learn to 'say what we mean, mean what we say and do as we say we will'. We cannot expect to feel harmonious if we are being dishonest with ourselves, nor can we expect much more from others than we are willing to do ourselves. We only have the power to achieve this harmony in our own lives, although when we do so, we are much more likely attract others who tend to live in the same manner.

With honesty comes a certain type of peace, as we do not have to use as much of our energy up trying to keep the stories we tell straight in our minds, hanging on to the feelings in our hearts which we are not sharing or regretting actions we may or may not have taken.

I am not suggesting that we behave like children, who have yet to fully develop appropriate 'filters'. We cannot say or do whatever we feel like, whenever we feel like, without regard for how it may effect others. We must learn to process all thoughts, feelings and actions in an effort to develop maintain the healthiest filters. This process allows harmony and peace to flow in and remain in our daily lives.

Life is all about relationships; with ourselves and others. Whether it be a personal or professional one, maintaining a high level of integrity between or thoughts, feelings and actions assists us in having the healthiest relationships possible. I find it takes much more effort to 'keep all the balls in the air' when deception of any form is involved.

We have a lot going on in our lives; family, work, school and social interactions. It can be difficult to maintain a sense of healthy balance in all areas, especially if we did not have the best of examples to learn from. I can tell you from personal and professional experience the goal of living in harmony and balance is most certainly an obtainable one. If I could learn how, you can too.

We cannot change what we do not know or understand, therefore, we must first discover who we really are in order to learn what aspects ourselves we need to change. Great strides in achieving an acceptance of how we came to be who we are can be gained through examining and reflecting upon the older patterns in our life, (see previous posts on Patterns).

However, the goal of Positive Adaptation is not to live in the past, rather it is to understand it to the best of our ability. When we do so, true change happens. We become capable of really experiencing all life has to offer and we live richer, fuller, happier lives in the present.

Positive Adaptation's goal is to learn to 'Think, Feel and Do' our best and become our best selves, the one we can and are meant to be. We are able to lay our heads down at the end of the day and fall to sleep peacefully when we know that our thoughts, feelings and actions were indeed in harmony throughout the day.

'Think, Feel and Do' in harmony today and may you feel the happiness which comes from doing so.

Enjoy Facing Challenges

"I live in solutions, not problems.  I enjoy the challenge." 

~ Victoria Baum

The first sentence of the book "The Road Less Travelled" is "Life is difficult". How difficult depends upon our willingness to adopt a better attitude and use a different set life problem solving skills. Life is not nearly as difficult when we choose to view all problems, (hence forth referred to as situations), as a challenge; an opportunity for positive growth. Facing the challenge of doing so offers us the ability to be the best we can be and live life to the fullest.

There is no mountain too high to climb, whether it be personal or professional. Ergo, there is no situation, however dire it may appear or feel at the time, that we cannot find at least one viable solution to. Utilizing the three principles of Positive Adaptation: 'Think, Feel and Do', will assist you. In fact, rather than shy away from them, you will find yourself enjoying facing challenges. ("You can get it if you really want" -click play button above to listen to the song.)

The first step is to Think of whatever challenge faces you as a puzzle that can and will be solved, rather than an insurmountable problem. Admittedly this step sounds obvious and simplistic, but not so easily done. How we think coming into a situation may very well determine its outcome. Think and believe, "Yes, I can, if I really want to."

When we Feel and believe there will be a positive outcome it is much more likely to occur. When problem solving or facing any challenge, fear is not our ally. Courage, (from the French word for heart, coeur) is required, therefore, we must feel we have it to act with it. One definition of courage I am known to use often, I borrowed from Susan Jeffers: "Courage is being willing to feel the fear and do it anyway". 

The third principle of Positive Adaptation, 'Do', is vital as no solution can be found if the challenge of finding one is not met. No matter how much faith we may have, "Faith without works is dead." Merely thinking about and feeling you can climb the mountain does not get you where you want to go, the top! Remember: self esteem grows every time we take positive action. 

The principles of Positive Adaptation work for any situation, (formally referred to as 'problem'), whether they be emotional, physical or situational, in nature. 

I know this to be true, as I use Positive Adaptation to face my own challenges. Why do I make the decision to live in the solution, because it really is easier and I enjoy the challenge!  

Hoping you will learn to as well...

Victoria

Teach Your Children Well

"Teach your children well. They are on the road and must have a code to live by, and so become yourself....and know I love you." 

~ Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young 

I have chosen to teach my own  child: Think, Feel and Do your best and know, no matter what, I love you.

Positive Adaptation is a way of life and the 'code' by which I now live. We learn by example, modeling the attitudes and behaviors of others. This process begins at birth, with ones parents, (then teachers and friends), and continues throughout the life span. 

We all want the best for our kids, therefore, "If there is anything that we wish to change in the child, we should first examine it and see whether it is not something that could better be changed in ourselves."  ~C.G. Jung 

To be the best example or role model, it is imperative that we believe in and take good care of ourselves, first. We must act with kindness and respect towards others and maintain a positive attitude and outlook on life. This is the best way I have found to teach my child to be and do the same. 

I understand these are high goals to strive for and sound simple in theory. Of course, it is not easy to achieve nor maintain these highest of standards all the time. We are human. The truth is it is impossible to be a 'perfect' anything, let alone the 'perfect' parent, all we can do is our very best.

Here are a few of my own favorite lines, (some I borrowed from my parents), which I now have shared with my son: 

- "Accidents happen, but less when you're careful, so try to be more careful next time"

- "Humans, (including me), by definition, are not perfect, that honor is left for the divine, so just we do the very best we can."

- "Mistakes happen, hopefully it will turn out to be a learning experience and therefore, you wont make the same one again" 

- "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again" 

- "Can you honestly say you have done your best? Then your best has to be good enough."

- "Be grateful for all that you are and all that you have and always, always say thank you for both."

Positive Adaptation works in all areas of life. The principles of PA are applicable to all situations, interactions and relationships; including those related to health, (emotional and physical), academics, athletics, work and finances. Balance is key! 

You don't have to merely imagine feeling and doing better and enjoying life more; you can become the catalyst of the positive changes necessary to help create this realty for yourselves and your children. The time to begin is now.

Take a little time to read the posts discussing the 3 core principles, (Think, Feel and Do your best), of Positive Adaptation. These 'how and why" posts may be found archived in February and March, 2009. (Positive Adaptation is wonderful for parenting, however, in no way exclusively intended for.)

After reading, I think you will agree, it is never too early, nor too late, to become the best you, you can be and hence, live and enjoy all that richness life has to offer to the fullest! 

Positive Adaptation is a win/win way of life, one which serves both ourselves and our children well in their development, now and in the future. "There are two lasting bequests we can give our children.  One is roots.  The other is wings." ~Hodding Carter, Jr.

I have always told my son, "You are the best" and "The world is your oyster, go, find the pearls". I have said for years, when speaking of him, "I want to grow up to be just like him". I  am working on it and getting closer all the time.

"I just want my kids to love who they are, have happy lives and find something they want to do and make peace with that. Your job as a parent is to give your kids not only the instincts and talents to survive, but help them enjoy their lives." ~Susan Sarandon  

To being and doing the best we can, for ourselves, our children and everyone else in our lives.

Victoria

Photo by: Renee Rendler-Kaplan

"A Rich, Full, Colorful Life"

My father always said, "I have lived a rich, full, colorful life" and he most certainly did.

This is by far the most difficult post I have written to date. My father was my inspiration. His entire life, Dad lived Positive Adaptation and by example taught me; I merely named it.

I lost my father one year ago, however, this is not a sad post, in fact, quite the opposite. His incredible spirit, joie de vie, (love for life) and what he taught me, (now I hope you), will live on forever.

My father's life was the personification of Positive Adaptation; how we can all Think, Feel and Do 'better', be and do our best and 'enjoy life to the fullest' when we incorporate it as a way of life. "As long as you are breathing, it is never too late", (just one of many 'Dad-isms' I live by, now).

Dad was born in Germany, (1926), just before Adolf Hitler came to power. He was a very happy, rambunctious kid, with many friends and loved his family.  One day, after reading Hitler's "Mein Kampf" my grandfather decided it was time to go, leave Germany and go to America.  Later, when asked why he was choosing to leave, my grandfather simply stated, "because I have three sons".

My father took a long boat ride and one morning, upon awaking, he saw the Statue of Liberty for the first time. Thus began my father's life long love affair with The United States of America.  

At the age of 7, it was decided at Ellis Island, he would no longer be called by his name, Helmut. He had the difficult task of accepting the name Bernard as his own, (an Americanized version of his middle name, Bernhardt). This was just one of many changes which would occur in his life. Dad's positive attitude and uncanny ability to adapt to change served him well then and throughout his entire life of 82 years.

I could never, especially in a venue like this, speak of all of my father's trials and tribulations, more importantly, his successes and joys. Let me just say that the same boy who came to America only nine years earlier became an Eagle Scout at the age of 16.  He said that that process truly 'Americanized' him, once and for all. One year later, at 17, Dad enlisted in the U.S Army to go back to Germany to fight to defeat Hitler and may years later, he would retired as a Brig. General from the Army Reserves.  As Dad used to say, "Only in America".

'Bernie', as he would later be called was the kind of man that would literally give you the shirt or tie, off his back. I know of several occasions someone would compliment him on a let's say a tie he was wearing. He would respond, "Here, if you would enjoy it, take it" and he would take the tie off and give it to them.

He loved his family, his work as a Professor, being of assistance to others in his community,  (the world) and lived each day with "Verstandt", German for a 'great understanding and appreciation of' how fortunate he was. My father was not a saint or perfect.  He only tried to do and be his best and because of this, he succeeded much more than he failed. Last, but not least, my father was often heard saying, "I am blessed". All those who knew him felt the same way about having him in their lives.

Although it took me a long time, (I was a late bloomer), I finally got it! Even when it did not look like it, Dad always had faith in me that I would. I have learned to Think, Feel and Do my way into becoming the best I can be, do the best I can do, try to help others, love a lot and enjoy life to the fullest!

I offer this way of living to you, a gift from 'Bernie' and me. Remember, as long as you are breathing, it is not too late. I know he would want you to have this too.

Thanks, Dad. You still are and always will be, the best!

Your loving daughter and student of life,

Victoria

More about Dad and me, coming for Father's Day! (Pics too)

Photo by: Renee Rendler-Kaplan, (Dad loved you too!)

Needs versus Wants-(Basic)

Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs

Food and water 

are needs.

Pre-bottled sparkling 

mineral water and caviar

are wants.

In my last post, 'Keep Your Balance - How and Why, I stated:

'When our lives are in balance we feel better, our self esteem and sense of worth is higher, our relationships are at their best and it is here we find our greatest joy and true happiness. This is what living life to the fullest is all about! Positive Adaptation can assist you to: 'Think, Feel and Do'. We can begin by prioritizing, placing in a healthy order, our needs and wants; they are not the same.'

Please, take a look at this chart and Think and Feel each one. Now, I ask you, which are your highest priorities?

I am a clinical counselor and have studied many theories of personality, behavior and life span development. Maslow's theory of a Hierarchy of Needs attempts to prioritize what is basic to survival and what can be achieved well beyond, once they are met. The optimal goal, according to Maslow, is 'Self Actualization', meaning we achieve our best selves, the highest level of personal happiness and fulfillment possible. 

I feel sometimes we forget how truly fortunate we are. Think about the fact that there are almost 6.8 billion people living on earth today. Of those, at least 1 billion are at the bottom and likely another 1-2 billion are lucky to achieve Maslow's second level. There are people all over the globe just trying to stay alive. Most of us do not have to worry about our basic, (food, water and shelter), needs, therefore we are free to discover and conquer the rest on up! We ought not to forget how fortunate we are.

With this freedom comes the opportunity and yes, I dare say, responsibility to be the best you can be, help others do the same, find the greatest joy out of life humanly possible and shoot for the top!

Now, off my soap box to offer a few "how to's": We can start out our days Thinking: 'What would I do if I knew I could not fail?'. Feel and believe we cannot and at night, review our days to see what and how we have DOne! If we can honestly say we have done our best, we shall be pleased and rest peacefully.

If we begin each day with our goal to Think, Feel and Do our best, we are sure to find the greatest amount of joy and fulfillment Maslow is describing in his chart, (see image above), and feel grateful for it.

Sometimes bread and water are just fine. Can we not dare to want more? Let us all decide to give it our best to become our best.  Positive Adaptation will help lead you there!

To obtaining both our needs and our wants and being grateful when either or both are met!

Victoria

Intentions, Actions and Deeds

"Our deeds determine us, as much as we determine our deeds" ~ George Eliot

Is the road to hell paved with good intentions? I say no; that road is paved with 'bad' actions and deeds. Intentions are just thoughts, not actions. As children, we may believe that wishing 'makes it so'. As adults, we know, (wether they be 'good' or 'bad'), thoughts or intentions also require some form of action and deed, to actually 'make it so'.

There are those who believe we are judged solely by our intentions, others, solely by our actions. I believe we must judge ourselves by our intentions, (the thoughts), actions, (the doing part) and deeds, (the accomplishment of having made our intentions a reality). We must do all of these, as this is yet another path on our journey to becoming the best we can be.

Does it ever seem like you feel like one person on the inside but you find yourself acting like someone else on the outside? So then, who are we, really? The answer is we are both! The trick is finding a healthy balance for ourselves. We must determine what that balance is and actively seek it.

Positive Adaptation is about changing how we think, we feel and how we act. We need to practice making positive changes while keeping our balance in all areas.  This is simple in concept, but not always easy to accomplish. The good news is: once we make a change in one, simultaneously, we are usually helping to positively change ourselves in other areas.

I believe George Eliot is spot on; our deeds determine who we really are and we determine our deeds.  We are responsible for our thoughts, our feelings, and especially, how we transform these into our actions, resulting in the completion of deeds!

With the assistance of Positive Adaptation, we can turn our good intentions into reality, "the deeds that determine us".

Here is to the process and becoming our best selves, inside and out.

Victoria

Crossroads: It's Not Too Late!

"If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what, (where), you've always gotten."

~ Kenneth Blanchard

We can choose to go in another direction!

"It's never too late to be the person you were always meant to be."

~ Geroge Eliot

In my last post, I wrote about how we all face crossroads, proverbial 'forks in the road', at some point(s) in our lives. It is at these crossroad moments we are called upon to make decisions: stay the course, (probably remain the same, no change), or make adjustments and/or life altering changes to the direction of our lives. It is in these change of directions we often find the most positive results.

I am living proof of what George Eliot said; it is never too late to become the person you are meant to be. It was not to late for me to change directions, (as needed or desired), to continue becoming the person I believed I was meant to be and it is not too late for you either!

I have had several crossroad moments, some more obvious than others and some requiring that I make some sharp turns. One such example: having undergone many vocational tests during and just after high school, the combined results of the tests concluded that I was best suited for either a "helping profession" or becoming an accountant. I chose to become a nurse and had to take Chemistry. I was not good at it, it did not come naturally and I was not 'getting it' at all. I got a tutor, but to no avail.

One day, the professor called me into his office to discuss my 'progress'. At that meeting, he handed me a dime and told me to call my parents to tell them I was not going to going on to nursing school. Apparently, if you could not pass Chemistry, nursing, as a career path, was out. I left school after that and went into the business world. I did become a comptroller, which is like the company accountant, and made a good living.

I was okay with this decision for years. However, as time past, I found myself becoming increasingly unhappy and dissatisfied with my life. I felt and found myself telling popele, "I have plenty of food on the table, but my soul is hungry". It was then that I knew! I needed to make, another, change in my life. But how and in what way?

Even before I had a name for it, I utilized Positive Adaptation. I examined my thoughts and feelings and based on them, I knew I had to do something differently, if I wanted to become 'happier' within myslef and my life.

I believed then, as I still do now, I was meant to be more of a "professional helper". I continued to work while I also went back to school. I majored, as an undergraduate, in Psychology/Neuropsychology. Yes, I had to take Chemistry again, but this time I passed with flying colors!

I went on for my Masters in Counseling and am now a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor, in private practice. It was not only doing well in the classes that helped 'change' me, it was all of the support from professors, fellow students, family, friends and my own counseling sessions, where I learned to believe in myself and my path.

Of course, (just as all of you), I have had hardships: breakups to deal with, life style changes, marriage, children and many other crossroad moments. All of these and other life events have required me to make some kind of adjustment or larger changes, in a continuing effort to become the best I can be.

Positive Adaptation has remained my guide; as reminding myself to 'think, feel and do' continues to help me on my journey.

My soul is no longer hungry, (except for more chances to learn and be even more joyful). Why? Because I believe I am doing all I can to become the person I was meant to be.

Please, share some of your crossroad moments. I always enjoy hearing how others, when faced with the signs, decided where and which direction to go in, on their own journey, to becoming who they were meant to be.

Victoria

Crossroads - Part One

There are crossroads - proverbial 'fork in the road' moments in everyone's life.

At some point in life we are all faced with decisions of 'now what?'   Whether they be minor adjustments or potentially life altering changes in the direction of our life, the choices must be made.

The most obvious crossroad moments are usually easily recognizable. However, the more subtle life choices and the effect they have on our lives, may not be fully recognized until long after the moment of decision has passed. Unfortunately, most of us wait until we find ourselves unhappy and/or in enough pain to realize we may have not made the best choice for ourselves.

As children we tend to just act and think later.  Decisions appear to get increasingly more difficult with age and as adults, it is important to realize that the decisions we make now will shape our future in the years to come. We do not need to wait until the twilight of our lives to reflect back on the roads chosen or to grasp how they effected our lives. We can choose to look at them right now and change course, where needed.

While it may feel more comfortable to leave crucial life decisions in the hands of fate and faith, the path of least resistance is not always the wisest route. I choose to integrate freedom of choice, self empowerment and yes, fate and faith too, to handle matters of such importance. (I will share some stories of my own personal crossroads - forks in the road, as well as others, in my next post.)

There is not a lot of room for ambivalence, especially when you are unhappy and in pain. Yes, there are times for standing still as to best determine which direction to go. This is when we ought to utilize parts one and two of Positive Adaptation, (think and feel). There are also those times where forward movement is essential and some type of doing or action, (the third part of PA), is required.

As many others have said, "Pain is a great motivator for change". But I ask you, how much pain does it take? My response; not nearly as much as it used to!

We ought to begin to make those 'better' decisions today. We can choose to alter the course or direction of our lives, (those we have the power to), right now, this moment!

With practice, we will choose the paths that ultimately lead us to the positive change we seek in how we think, feel and do. This is the true essence of Positive Adaptation.

I am no longer afraid of the crossroads or forks in the road I will most certainly continue to encounter on the journey of my life. Today, I welcome them and view them as opportunities for more positive change and personal growth.

I wish the same for you.....

Victoria

An Unexamined Life

"An unexamined life is not worth living 

~ Socrates

My father often recited this quote of Socrates to me. I didn't really understand what this meant until much later in life. I now know my father also lived it. In part, this is how Positive Adaptation came to ‘be’ and how I choose to live my own life.

Socrates believed that the real purpose of human life was personal and spiritual growth. He believed we are unable to grow toward greater understanding of our true nature unless we take time to examine and reflect upon our lives. As I have shared in previous posts, (view archived posts), examining our lives leads to the identification of patterns; of thought, feeling and behavior.

How many times have we thought to ourselves we are just too busy with our lives to fully contemplate our own life patterns?

If we do not become aware of these patterns, much of our life may be spent unconsciously repeating what we would prefer not to repeat. Recognizing this fact, we can see that much of the pain and discontent in our lives is avoidable.

We must take the time and make the effort! We ought to stop, reflect and evaluate our life patterns to avoid repeating those that are unhealthy for us and have left us feeling unhappy or dissatisfied. If we do not, how will we ever change and truly enjoy life?

Examining ones’ thoughts and feelings are just the first two parts of Positive Adaptation. The third and equal part of PA involves ‘doing’. Action is required, as it is in the ‘doing’ that we ultimately make the real, sustainable change(s) we need and want to live more fulfilled lives!

To experiencing the change(s) you seek in your own life!Victoria

Practice Embracing Your Emotions

Journaling and 'Saying It Out Loud'

Journaling and 'Saying it Out Loud' are the two first ways you might try to achieve embracing those emotions, which to date, you may have been minimizing or trying to ignore. (Read the previous post, if you have not already).

I find keeping a journal in which I write down my inner most feelings and them saying them out loud, very therapeutic.

Part One: Keeping a Journal
Writing in journal is a private way to be gut wrenchingly honest, introspective and examine the stuff that you're made of, without hurting yourself or anyone else!

Getting feelings out in this way, whatever they may be, offers you the ability to analyze them, now or later. In time, you will become aware of patterns, (see previous posts on this topic), and the core reason why you're feeling the way you are.

I try to keep something to write on with me at all times, (especially near my bed), as I never know when a thought or feeling is going to ‘pop up’. I find using sticky notes easiest as then I can place them or write them in my journal later.

This method allows me to feel my emotions, as they are. Over time, I am able to see and feel them as less negative or more positive in nature. I actually feel better the more I write and as I continue to review previous entries.

Eventually, your feelings will most likely change, (everything does). At the very least, they will become more manageable, hold less power over you and no longer dictate your actions.

Here are some the questions I ask myself when I am writing in my journal. ~ What am I feeling right now?
~ When did it start?
~ How am I feeling and what does it make me want to do?
~ What were the triggers for this emotion?
~ What images come to mind as I feel it?
~ When else have I felt this way? Is it familiar or something new?
~ What would I really like to say to a particular person, event or myself, right now?(You may find you have others that would help you as well)

Part Two: Get it Out: Say it Out Loud!
I actually say what I am feeling or would like to say, in front of a mirror, (while I know I am alone, of course). However, you can choose to use your pillow or any other way that you find works best for you. Even if you feel silly at first, give it a valiant effort. If one way does not work for you, try another. It really does get easier and you will become more comfortable doing it.

I swear by this method as it has saved me, on more than one occasion, from acting out in ways I would most likely have regretted.

Remember, Positive Adaptation is one part thinking, one part feeling, one part doing and requires all three.

I am always open to learning new ways to embrace my own feelings, so please, feel free to share your own experiences with me!

Good Luck!
Victoria

Embrace Your Feelings!

"Problems do not arise from the fact of having feelings. 

Problems arise from what we do with them or 

from our attempts at avoiding them"

~ David Brazier, The Feeling Buddha

Embrace Your Feelings!

1. Our feelings are neither ‘good’ nor ‘bad’, they have a range of intensity and we can experience more than one at time. (See previous post: Feelings: Part One)

2. Feelings are rarely emergencies that require immediate action.

3. Most importantly, they are yours! Embrace them with the knowledge that only you can choose to lessen or increase their intensity or accept them just as they are! (See diagram above)

Often times we do not want to feel what we are feeling. We try to ignore them, hoping they'll just go away or change, right? Wrong!

The truth is, yesterday, I had to face the fact and feelings that my fabulous, however short, ‘self care’, trip to Florida was ending. The time alone, I had been so looking forward to and excited about was now coming to an abrupt end.

I was feeling: disappointment, some sadness, a bit of anxiety about all I had to do when I got home. All of these feelings were mixed up with a healthy dose of gratitude and joyfulness for even having had the opportunity to get away and have such a wonderful time. I felt ‘wrong’ for feeing sad when I felt so fortunate to have been able to go. I relished the feeling of sunshine on my face and allowed that warmth to wash over me. This helped me put everything I was feeling in a better perspective.

Just like you, I experience mixed emotions! Practicing Positive Adaptation helps me and I believe, no matter what the feelings or situation, it can and will, help you too!

You may be asking; exactly how is Positive Adaptation helping me? The answer is I have chosen to embrace my feelings, all of them! They are all mine and they are real. I choose to embrace them, rather than ignore them, monitor how intense I allow, (the more negative ones), to become and adjust my behavior accordingly. I will continue to freely share the positive ones. I will use them to feel, think and be, a better person today! These are the choices I can and am making. Yes, it was a wonderful trip and I will savor the memories, while living in this moment!

Embracing our feelings requires facing, accepting and working through them. If we try to repress them, they usually find a way to come out anyway in another form, such as depression, anxiety, panic, (just to name but a few).

The most important point about dealing with emotions is that you cannot predict what you are going to feel at any particular time or in response to any certain event. One thing we can develop is control over the way we respond, rather than react, to all of our feelings.

Getting in touch with your feelings will help you control your behavioral reactions. Bottom line; embrace your feelings so they do not end up, (negatively), controlling you!

Feelings, themselves, are not the problem. It is when we try to ignore them that a problem may arise.

I suggest that practicing Positive Adaptation will assist with both, leading you to feel better about yourself and your life! I know this is what I desire for myself, as well as, all of you.

Until next time...
Victoria

New and Improved Patterns

Now this is a pattern that works!

One that let's us walk through

life with the ability to love

ourselves and allow others

in to our hearts.

Once we have identified and discarded the patterns that were no longer useful, (the ones which had kept us from being the best we could be), we are free to form new ones that do. We may not always know what we want but a good place to start is knowing what we don't want.

This is vital to the concept of Positive Adaptation. As we are free to think differently about ourselves, we begin to know that we deserve better than we've  allowed ourselves to think.

No longer must we need see ourselves through anyone else's mirror, believing what they saw or said was forever true of us. We can choose to view ourselves with an honest self appraisal and move forward from here.

I had a client whose brother said horrible and painful words to her constantly. Things like: "You are stupid... and ugly... and worthless". For almost 30 years, she took his words to heart. Deep down inside, no matter what her accomplishments were, there was still a part of her that believed him.  We worked together on shattering that old mirror she had been looking through. It was her brother's reflection of himself, not hers.  

Finally, she realized: "He was wrong", "He does not know me and he never did".  Today, this client sees herself through her own mirror and is thinking, feeling and doing much better.  She is happier now. She loves herself, her work and .... is about to be married to a wonderful guy.  She knows she deserves it all! She is free to be the best she can be and loving every minute of it!

Breaking old, self-destructive patterns really does allow us the freedom to think, feel and act differently.

Here are to the new and improved patterns in your life! 

Victoria

(photo by: Renee Rendler-Kaplan)