Summer Break

I am on summer break!

Please, feel free to read the posts below or go through my archived posts, and pick a few to re-read for inspiration and motivation.

I hope you enjoy your summer as well!

Victoria

"What Matters Most is How You See Yourself"

http://positiveadaptation.blogspot.com/2009/04/what-matters-most-is-how-you-see.html

"Enjoy The Challenge"

http://positiveadaptation.blogspot.com/2009/06/enjoy-facing-challenges.html

"Ruby Slippers"

http://positiveadaptation.blogspot.com/2009/04/ruby-slippers.html

"Learning to Dance In The Rain"

http://positiveadaptation.blogspot.com/2009/05/learning-to-dance-in-rain.html

Happy Thanksgiving - Gratitude Is Both An Attitude And Action

"As we express our gratitude, we must never forget the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them."  
      ~ John F. Kennedy

No matter what has happened this year, I am certain, if you really think about it, you can find much to be grateful for.

May we show our gratitude, in word and deed, all year long.

And then maybe, just maybe, there will be even more to feel grateful for.

Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours, from me and mine.

Victoria

Don't Settle, Only Compromise

"The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for."
~ Maureen Dowd, N.Y. Times

I define settling as: accepting the unacceptable.  Oddly enough, many of us seem to continually rationalize, (especially in our relationships), lowering our standards of what is acceptable to us, (having our needs and most of our wants met), until at some point, we are so miserable and find out what we have settled for.  And we wonder how we got here.

I am completely in favor of compromise.  Compromise is defined: as the result of a process of communication and give and take, we mutually agree to make concessions so that all parties feel it is fair and equitable.

Sure, we may have to give something up, but we are doing so in an effort to get our needs and wants met and help others do the same.

We generally do not find ourselves miserable when the art of compromise is used. No, that misery is left for those who settle for less than having their needs and most of their wants met.

We can all do better.  Once you believe in yourself and understand that you are worth more, you too can learn the art and benefits of compromise.  Will we always get what we need and want, (especially from other people), probably not. This is when acceptance and Positive Adaptation are very helpful.

Life is too short to "settle".  Today, find where you may be settling for less than you need, want or deserve and apply compromise to the situation.  You will "Think, Feel and Do" better for it.

Make it a great one!
Victoria

Positive, Healthy Personal Boundaries (Part Two)

Positive, healthy personal boundaries are like fences. They are there to protect us from harm while at the same time, allow us to feel free to be our best selves, find the peace and happiness we seek. 

However, they are not walls, which are built with the purpose of allowing nothing, (nor anyone), to get in or out. The 'right' boundaries will not serve to isolate us from others, rather, they allow us to fully enjoy positive relationships and situations.

As stated in "Part One", a vital key to keeping balance in your life is found through the process of developing and maintaing healthy personal boundaries in all areas.

Positive Adaptation proposes we become our best selves and enjoy life to the fullest, both personally and professionally. Therefore, making changes to pre-existing, developing and maintaing new, healthier boundaries is one way in which we can achieve this goal.

How to set the best boundaries for yourself:

1. Acknowledge to yourself you have the right to want and need your own set of positive, healthy personal boundaries.

- Remind yourself this is part of any healthy self-care program and enables you to be the best you can be. You are your own person, as defined by you, (not others).

2. Examine where you feel yours are being crossed.

- We usually can feel it. We can get angry, resentful, sometimes sad; we know when something isn't right. The cause is often allowing others to cross our boundaries without our invitation or consent to do so.

3. Trust and believe in you and the boundaries you set.

- Trust and believe in yourself enough to know what you need and want, (or don't), and settle for nothing less.

4. Effectively communicate these boundaries honestly and clearly, to all to whom they apply.

- "Say what you mean and mean what you say." Our boundaries can be expressed without hostility. State them when needed and stand by them. (Remember to  allow others the same right.)

5. Learn to say, "No", without guilt.

- This is the most difficult one for many of us, I believe. We need to recognize that, (generally, non emergencies), other people's needs and wants are NOT more important than our own.

We cannot take care of anyone else, unless we are taking care of ourselves, first. (For more, read my post titled "Put Your Mask On".)

The most important person who needs to respect your boundaries is You! If you don't take responsibility for them, protect and enforce them, no one else will either. 

Remember, others have their own boundaries which need to be respected as well.

You are seeking progress not perfection. When we reexamine and reset our boundaries we are taking care of, protecting and improving our relationships, with ourselves and others.

Whether it be personal, family or professional relationships or any other situations, positive; healthy personal boundaries help keep our joy safe and sound.

To your boundaries and joy....

Victoria

Coping With Disappointment, Better!

"Things are simply what they are. We cannot always choose our external circumstance, but we can choose how we respond to them."

~ Epictetus - The Art of Living

I understand dealing with disappointment can feel overwhelming sometimes. It is hard enough to cope with the emotions and outcomes that are caused by our own actions, however, in most incidences, we make a concerted effort not to disappoint ourselves again, at least not in the same way.

But when someone or something outside of ourselves, (i.e. a spouse, friend, child, finances and/or job related issue), disappoints us, what can we really do about it? I say, the same thing! We can make valiant efforts to cope better and do all we can to avoid "it" from happening again.

First, avoid simply dismissing your feelings about it. Your feelings are important. Instead, try to 'Think, Feel and Do' something different about it. More specifically: 1) Identifying and learn to understand what, exactly, you are disappointed about, 2) How and why did you become so disappointed and 3) Discover what are you really feeling and how you can come to a state of peace and resolution with what has occurred.

These steps, although difficult and often painful at times, can transform the actual event(s) from being negatives into vital and wonderful learning experiences.

"Even the most confusing and hurtful aspects of life can be made more tolerable by clear seeing and by choice." If we can figure out the how's, why's and what's, we may be able to prevent the same from occurring again, thus increasing our likelihood of experiencing even greater success and happiness in the future.

Disappointment is merely a part of "normal" life and the process of becoming the best we can be. Therefore, do not give in to disappointments. Rather, allow them to strengthen your resolve to continue in the pursuit of achieving your dreams and aspirations.

Maintain hope for the future, but live in the present. We can make today an "okay" day and work on tomorrow being even better. With a more positive attitude, (admittedly, not easy all the time), there is much less room in our lives for the negative effects of our disappointments to dominate us, leaving us much more room for experiencing joyfulness.

Do not allow your spirit to be broken, by yourself or anyone else.

You will see, through time, more will be revealed. Believe....the best you is yet to come.

Victoria

Choose To "Restart"

When a computer application is running slowly or continues to cause problems, don't you eventually force it to quit and restart your system? 

When we are having a "bad day" or feel we need to head in another direction, we can come to the same conclusion and internally: Restart.

We can restart our day anytime we choose. Through Positive Adaptation, we can 'Think, Feel and Do' better about ourselves and our lives. When needed or desired: realize it is time to take a moment, take a few cleansing breaths and press your own "restart" button.  I have found this method quite effective for myself.

I understand that change, of any kind, can be scary, however, there are also times when remaining in your status quo may appear equally as frightening, if not more so.

I have made, (and continue to), make positive changes in my own life and I assist others to do the same. Restarting is one of several tools I use and find it not only helps myself, but additionally, those around me.

You can decide to do this anytime you want or need to, as many times as you feel is necessary. You will 'Think, Feel and Do' better and be happier. In time, you will discover you are positively changing the direction of your entire life.  Integrating the choice to restart is one of the greatest gifts you can give, (and receive), yourself.

Today, make the decision when needed, take the actions to 'Think, Feel and Do' better and allow yourself to be feel better about yourself and your life.

No day needs to start, continue all day and end a "bad day".
Remember, you have your own restart button.

Victoria

Standing In Your Truth

Are You.....

Standing In Your Truth.

"What does that really mean" you ask?  Well, for starters, try asking yourselves the questions below:

1. Who am I, really? (Now, today, not who I used to be or who others told me I was.)
2. Am I even aware of my current thoughts, feelings and behavioral  patterns?
3. Are any of them,( #2's), no longer useful, or worse, now harmful to me? 
4. Have I considered how I will learn to make the necessary changes, in myself, so that I may break these old and harmful patterns?
5. In what ways would I better experience life, love and most especially, become my Authentic Self, when I do?
6. Am I ready to 'Stand In My Truth' and begin the process of living in real and sustainable positive change?

If the answer to #6 is a resounding YES, then, please, stick with it.

Stand in your truth, as this is the only place true personal freedom is found.

Please review some of my older posts, (archived), on this blog.  Choose a few titles that may catch your eye or appear to address the change you seek and please, read on.

After doing so, please go back and ask yourselves these same 6 questions again.

I absolutely believe once you do, you too will see, many of the ways in which we can make positive changes in ourselves that lead us to living and enjoying life to its' fullest!

Enjoy the moments. The very best ones are when you are standing in your truth and may very well be 'yet to come'.

Victoria

Keep Your Balance - How and Why

"Life is a great balancing act." ~ Dr.Seuss

We do not have to wait until we have lost our balance, completely, to find it. The key to keeping your balance is to  first acknowledge you may be feeling a bit wobbly. 

Consider yourself a gymnast on the balance beam of life. Have you ever watched what they do when they realize they are losing their balance? They start to wobble, then their arms start to flail around, all in an effort to regain control, find their center and solid footing, back on that beam.  Do they ever fall off the beam, sure, sometimes, but please take note: they always get back up and try again. 

We do have a lot to balance in our lives: family, friends, work, financial concerns, community and personal, 'me', time. It is simple but not so easy! We can only decide to do our best by continually trying to find our center, keep our balance and stay up on that beam.  

When our lives are in balance we feel better, our self esteem and sense of worth is higher, our relationships are at their best and it is here we find our greatest joy and true happiness. This is what living life to the fullest is all about!

Positive Adaptation can assist you: 'Think, Feel and Do'. We can begin by prioritizing, placing in a healthy order, our needs and wants; they are not the same. Think and feel about each one; which are your highest priorities, why and when you discover what is what and who is who... DO something about it.  A balance beam is always just a balance beam, things don't change, we do. 

Discover where your center is and you will have found your balance. The good news is you already possess what you need. It is already inside you waiting to be found and utilized, (see older post "Ruby Slippers').  

Albert Einstein said: "Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving".  We are human so we may indeed lose our balance and fall off once in a while.  

Let's make the decision to keep moving forward to our place of balance as this is where our happiness lies.  If we get wobbly, we will just keep at it!

"And will we succeed? 98  3/4% Guaranteed!"   From: "Oh The Places You Will Go", by Dr. Seuss, my pick for greatest 'self help' book ever written.

Make it a great one,

Victoria

Put Your Mask On First

Place your oxygen mask

on first......

Have you ever been on an airplane and watched a flight attendant, (or now, a video), demonstrate the "oxygen mask procedure"? They always instruct you to place your mask on yourself first before helping anyone else with theirs. Always.  They never say, "Of course this is really selfish of you, but hey, what the heck".  No, they go on to explain even if you are traveling with your own child, you must put your mask on first so you will be able to help them with theirs.

I used to think to myself, "No way! I am going to help my child first." That is until I really understood the logic and the difference between acting selfishly and practicing self care.  

Simply defined, selfish is being concerned only with yourself to the exclusion of others.  Self care is being actively concerned about yourself AND others. In practicing self care we are including ourselves in our list of most important people and others will benefit too. 

Many of us make attending to the needs and wants of others first a way of life. This just comes naturally to us. Like blinking, we may not even realize we are doing it. We may be born caretakers, worriers, controllers or just innately nurturing. There are times this may prove to be harmful to us, in many ways, if we are not taking care of ourselves. 

That is until something happens.  We may have feelings which have been building up for a long time.  Yet, it seems as if all of a sudden, we experience anger, sadness, resentment, anxiety, frustration, feel completely drained and/or become physically ill.  It is only then that we realize we have reached our own breaking point.  We have given so much of ourselves to others but not enough to ourselves.  As a result, now we 'cannot breathe'. Two of the most commonly used terms to describe this crisis state are "caregiver stress" and "burnout".

If we cannot breathe  how much help can we really be to anyone else? We must always remember to put our mask on first so that we can be there for ourselves and others. I came to embrace this way of thinking as not being selfish at all, but rather, participating in my own self care program.

I am a mother, a wife, a sibling, a friend, a volunteer, a blogger and a practicing therapist. I was also the adult child of aging parents, (now deceased), and openly admit I have suffered from caregiver stress in the past.

I have come to understand that to be the best I can be, (at any or all of these roles), I must take care of myself and allow others to help me ,as well.  

Believing in self care is not selfish.  It is the only lasting way to be of service to myself and others.

I hope you will consider putting your mask on first too!

Victoria

You Can't Please Everyone, So....

"But it's all right now, I learned my lesson well. You see you can't please everyone so ya got to please yourself"

~Ricky Nelson ("Garden Party")

Living life trying to please everyone is not only a daunting task, but is nearly impossible to do and remain healthy, (emotionally and/or physically), simultaneously. Of course we want to make other people happy but it cannot be at our own expense.

Attempting to live your life this way is how one becomes, (or remains), what is commonly know as a "People Pleaser" and is not the way to be your best self, live and enjoy life to the fullest. You cannot please everyone, but we must try to be truly pleased with ourselves. We must learn and continue to understand where 'they' end and 'we' begin.

Utilizing the principles of Positive Adaptation, you can learn to both please yourself and many others as well. We must 'Think, Feel and Do' our way into new, healthier and more realistic life skills.

Saying "No" or "Not now", once in a while, especially when necessary, is healthy. Being a parent has helped me learn this lesson well. Just imagine if we never heard or used the word 'no'. 'No' is a part of teaching, learning and practicing healthy boundaries. How many hot stoves should a child be allowed to put their hands on?

We can not be everything to everyone nor can we do everything, especially at the same time. What we can be and do is our best. This is true for all relationships; including marriage, dating, friendships, parenting, as well as, in the work place.

The truth is everyone may not be happy with us 100% of the time but we must remain true to ourselves. If not, the results will be that WE will be unhappy most of the time!

Take a moment out today when something is asked of you. Please give extra consideration to your answer. Ask yourself: "Is this the answer I really want to give or the answer I feel I am supposed to or need to give as to avoid experiencing rejection or conflict?"

In other words, try Positive Adaptation and 'Think, Feel and Do' differently today. If you feel 'No', 'Not now" or 'I really would rather not.', go ahead, express it, (in the nicest, most respectful fashion, of course).

Others, just as you have, will live through being told 'no' once in awhile. We cannot be the best we can be if we never do. Being a 'people pleaser' is not the way to emotional or physical health and well being.... being the best you can be today is.

'Think, Feel and Do' your best today. Try saying 'no' if that is how you really feel. Remember, you can't please everyone but you must try to be pleased with yourself!

Happy 4th of July!

Victoria

A Look at Feelings: Part One

Fig. 1

Fig. 2

Feelings:

1. A subjective response to a person, thing or situation
2. An emotional state or reaction
3. The emotional side of someone's character,

emotional responses or tendencies to respond

There are a number of theories that have been proposed to describe and understand the nature of our feelings or emotions.

I think Richard Plutchick’s definition is one of the easiest to understand. His definition can be understood as more of a description of our emotions rather than an explanation of how our emotions work. Plutchik, an American psychologist, proposed that there is a basic set of emotions that all people experience. These emotions are a part of us and directly relate to our adaptive behavior that is designed to enhance our survival instincts, in the same way as the fight or flight response is designed to help us survive.

Plutchik's model is based on an emotion wheel with eight basic emotions, (see Fig. 1). Positive emotions are seen to have a positive impact on our health while negative emotions can make us feel ill. He suggests that we can experience a blend of emotions. These can be seen on the color wheel, which illustrates that emotions vary in their intensity, (see Fig. 2).

It seems to me, a majority of people experience feelings as black or white. For instance, if you’re not sad, you’re happy. I contend, for example, the opposite of love is not hate. The goal is: indifference. The ‘trick’ is how do I change my thinking to understand the ‘grey’ area between black and white and understand that this middle ground of feelings is both desirable and obtainable!

A drawback I find with Plutchik’s theory is that he provides little room for the cognitive thought process. Other studies, which have focused on the topic of emotions, believe this ‘grey’ area of emotional response to be an important component of the cognitive thought process. I support this type of integrative approach.

Enter, Stanley Schachter. He proposes that our environment, as well as, our thought process contribute to the type of emotional experiences we have in any situation. According to Schachter, we recognize the emotions we experience as coming from a number of interacting events. People must make an appraisal of the situation and then figure out which particular emotion(s) they are feeling. This process helps an individual appraise a situation, which in turn, affects the emotion(s) they experience.

Theories or no theories, the fact is we do have feelings.
I, for one, believe feelings do indeed interact with our thought process and subsequent actions. Therefore, feelings are vital to address in this context of Positive Adaptation.

More to come on feelings; how they serve us, what we can do to learn how to embrace them while at the same time, avoid letting them control us and/or our actions.

Until then...
Victoria

Life Is What We Make It!

"Life is what we make it,

always has been,

always will be."

~ Grandma Moses

aka: Anna Mary Robertson Moses

1860-1961

"Grandma Moses" did not begin to paint until she was 75 years old! She chose to paint when, due to arthritis, she became unable to do her needlework any longer. She may not have been able to hold a needle any longer, however, she found she was capable of holding a paint brush. In her last 27 years of life she created over 1,600 paintings. Now that is what I call Positive Adaptation.

Anna Mary (Robertson) Moses did not always have an easy life. She bore 10 children, of which only 5 survived. She lost her husband in 1927 and never remarried.

Consider this: She was born before Abraham Lincoln was president, survived The Civil War, WW I, The Great Depression, World WW II, The Korean War and lived to see herself and the entire world around her change, several times over.

Grandma Moses is also famous for saying: "Life is what we make it, always has been, always will be."

It has been said that Grandma Moses remained, (until her death at 101 years young), one fiesty, strong willed, charming, warm, loving, and optimistic woman.

Grandma Moses was a personification of what I call Positive Adaptation. I can only assume that this remarkable woman did 'Think, Feel and Do' her best and certainly appeared to enjoy life to the fullest!

Anna never gave up. She positively adapted to whatever occurred and was said to have always truly loved life! We can learn so much from her attitude and how she lived her life.

If she could, we can we too.

Victoria

* Please, feel free to look up the remarkable work and life story of Anna Mary Robertson Moses, aka: "Grandma Moses".

Joy Works From The Inside Out

"Joy works from

the inside out."

~ V. Baum

Authentic joy is independent of external factors or circumstances. Joy originates from the core within us. We may not be capable of choosing all external factors which effect our lives, however, we can choose how we respond to them. Let us choose to be joyful.

Nothing outside of us can make us feel joyful. We will not find joy if sought from such things as the amount of money we make, the material items we collect or being around the 'right' people. To achieve genuine 'success' we must first choose to live a life of joyfulness. "The closer you come to your core, the greater is your joy." ~Torkom Saraydarian

I appreciate how Oprah Winfrey states what joy means: "I define joy as a sustained sense of well being and internal peace - a connection to what matters."

But what really matters to us? The answer to this question requires that we dig deep within ourselves to discover our core truth. We must reevaluate and learn, (through Positive Adaptation), who we really are now, who and what matters most to us and who we want to become.

As we age and experience life's transitions it is natural to experience changes in our priorities as well. When we discover a healthy balance; one where our thoughts, feelings and actions are in harmony, it is only then we find the kind of joy that is reflected in our new priorities. Becoming our best selves offers us the opportunity to gain the wisdom of what really matters to us and therefore, be joyful.

A significant part of obtaining and sustaining a life filled with joy comes from learning to live in the present moment. Joy is found in this day; as yesterday is over and tomorrow has yet to arrive. Living in the day insures us we will not miss a minute of joy available to us.

No real success exists without joy. If you want a true measure of your success in any particular area of your life, you can easily assess it by measuring the amount of joy you are feeling as result of what you are doing, have, etc. . Keep in mind... joy works from the inside out.

A joyful life can be yours! 'Think, Feel and Do' it. You already have everything you need. Joy is inside of you just waiting to be felt, experienced and shared.

May you be joyful today.

Victoria