Begin To Be The Change You Seek - Part 2

The view from the rear view mirror

of the sign in Part 1. If you haven't already,

I suggest you read Part 1 first.

"If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude."

~ Maya Angelou

If we are willing to be honest with ourselves, we know when we are not feeling the best we could, being the best we can be and doing the best we can. We know when we are not living and enjoying our lives to the fullest.

When we know this to our core and have a developed a pretty clear sense as to why, the next questions must then become: Now what? What am I going to do about it? Exactly how am I going to make the changes I must to Think, Feel and Do better in the future?

We need a plan, a step by step outline, so we may ultimately achieve the positive changes we seek.

The first and most important step is to determine IF we have the power to make the changes. If the power to successfully achieve positive change is within us, that is one thing. If the cause of our discontentment is someone or something else, outside of us, that is another.

Yet no matter what the source of our sense of unhappiness, please remember, we always have the power to change our attitude toward whatever or whomever is causing us this unhappiness and just how much we let it/them negatively effect us. This is especially true if the real culprit is us.

The Serenity Prayer

"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference."

I often say to my clients and friends, "Yes, this is a simple concept, yet in reality, it is not so easy to do in everyday life." Admittedly, it may not be that easy, but indeed, doable!

Our attitude can and will, alter how we Think, Feel and Do. Negativity begets negativity. Positivity offers us a much greater chance at achieving positive results.

One of the first issues we need to address is the difference between compromise and settling. Compromise is always preferable! Is it realistic to believe you and the other person are both willing and capable to make the necessary changes so that both your wants and needs are met? Is a healthy compromise possible? If so, I say go for it!

On the other hand, "Settling", (I define as, accepting the unacceptable), I do not recommend to anyone. Settling is certainly not, nor should ever be considered, a long term solution to any of our "problems".

Settling is the road which may have lead us here, to this unhappy place. It most certainly will not lead us to the changes and happiness we seek. In fact, remaining on this old road, more times than not, eventually will lead us to feel even worse, more resentful toward ourselves and others, as no real, acceptable changes have been made. We deserve better than this.

We must make the necessary changes, break old patterns of thought, feeling and actions, learn to compromise and not settle, so that we may create conditions to be ripe for us to Think, Feel and Do, better.

We must try new ways! Take the "Change exit off the old road". This is the path which will lead us to living and enjoying a happier life - one filled with happiness and joy.

We should never settle for less than we are capable of, or willing to do or worth. Would you ask your child, spouse or anyone else you love to settle? I think not!  So, why then would you ask this of yourself? Ask the best of yourself and you will see and feel positive results.

We must believe we are worth more/better and then learn to Think, Feel and Do, better. Be the change you seek and you shall find it.

Positive change and greater happiness are just one exit away on the road of life! Take it and begin to be the change you seek! 

More thoughts on how to achieve positive change coming in next posts. I hope you will stay with me on this journey.

Victoria

Coping With Disappointment, Better!

"Things are simply what they are. We cannot always choose our external circumstance, but we can choose how we respond to them."

~ Epictetus - The Art of Living

I understand dealing with disappointment can feel overwhelming sometimes. It is hard enough to cope with the emotions and outcomes that are caused by our own actions, however, in most incidences, we make a concerted effort not to disappoint ourselves again, at least not in the same way.

But when someone or something outside of ourselves, (i.e. a spouse, friend, child, finances and/or job related issue), disappoints us, what can we really do about it? I say, the same thing! We can make valiant efforts to cope better and do all we can to avoid "it" from happening again.

First, avoid simply dismissing your feelings about it. Your feelings are important. Instead, try to 'Think, Feel and Do' something different about it. More specifically: 1) Identifying and learn to understand what, exactly, you are disappointed about, 2) How and why did you become so disappointed and 3) Discover what are you really feeling and how you can come to a state of peace and resolution with what has occurred.

These steps, although difficult and often painful at times, can transform the actual event(s) from being negatives into vital and wonderful learning experiences.

"Even the most confusing and hurtful aspects of life can be made more tolerable by clear seeing and by choice." If we can figure out the how's, why's and what's, we may be able to prevent the same from occurring again, thus increasing our likelihood of experiencing even greater success and happiness in the future.

Disappointment is merely a part of "normal" life and the process of becoming the best we can be. Therefore, do not give in to disappointments. Rather, allow them to strengthen your resolve to continue in the pursuit of achieving your dreams and aspirations.

Maintain hope for the future, but live in the present. We can make today an "okay" day and work on tomorrow being even better. With a more positive attitude, (admittedly, not easy all the time), there is much less room in our lives for the negative effects of our disappointments to dominate us, leaving us much more room for experiencing joyfulness.

Do not allow your spirit to be broken, by yourself or anyone else.

You will see, through time, more will be revealed. Believe....the best you is yet to come.

Victoria

Carpe Diem - Seize The Day!

"Congratulations! Today is your day! You're off to Great Places! You're off on your way! You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose." ~ Dr. Seuss 

Let us begin each day with the inspirational words of Dr. Seuss and the creed, 'Carpe Diem'. Today we will really seize this day. Yesterday is gone and tomorrow has yet to arrive so it is now, this moment, when we must devote our energy to positive change.  We can achieve the change we need and want, begin 'becoming' our best selves and live and enjoy life to the fullest, right now.

The core philosophy of Positive Adaptation addresses the questions "Now what?" and "Is this all there is?" PA proposes we ask ourselves a different question, "How I am I going to emerge from this day, a healthier, happier person, one more ready and able to truly enjoy all that life has to offer?

Positive Adaptation is not a theory, rather it is a choice, a decision, a way of life. When PA becomes integrated into our daily lives we will experience positive feelings about ourselves and others, a brighter outlook on life and as a result, greater positive outcomes. Believing this, why wouldn't we set out to seize each day?

Positive Adaptation is: one part Thinking, one part Feeling and one part Doing.  The same set of perplexing patterns many of us learned early on in life and we have been repeating throughout our lives, will no longer do. They are usually the same negative ones which until today have prevented us from living with a "Carpe Diem" attitude. The time is now to break free of the them and begin anew. We can all Think, Feel and Do 'better'.

The key to happiness is balance. Different situations demand different solutions, however, all three parts: Thinking, Feeling and Doing must be implemented to achieve your desired optimal positive results!

Living this way of life is simple but not always easy. It requires willingness, courage and commitment to identify and break old patterns, replace them with healthier more positive ones and practice, practice, practice. I believe the effort needed is an insignificant price to pay to know, deep to your core: Life is to lived and enjoyed, not merely survived. 

I have discovered living Positive Adaptation as a way of life has not only significantly improved my sense of self esteem and increased the joy I find out of life, it has also positively impacted all areas of my life. I am a better mother, wife, friend,  professional and volunteer. You don't have to just imagine what PA can do for you, there is no time like the present to begin.

Consider the great words of Horace: "Adversity has the effect of eliciting talents which, in prosperous circumstances, would have lain dormant."

Carpe Diem; Seize your day!

Victoria

One Mother's Send Off

Congratulations! 

Today is your day. 

You're off to Great Places!

You're off and away! 

You have brains in your head.

You have feet in your shoes. 

You can steer yourself any direction you choose.

You're mountain is waiting. 

So.... go, get on your way.

~  Dr. Seuss - "Oh, the Places You'll Go!"

It has always been out there, off in the future, however, now is "really" the time.  

My only child is leaving my nest. It is time to go off to college,

continuing his personal journey to be the best he can be.

A time of wonderful, positive possibilities for him

and the truest test of Positive Adaptation for me.

I have always said I want to grow up and be just like him.

I still do.

I believe he is ready. 

But am I?

For all those who know me, hard to believe, but true,
I am left, (almost), speechless.

My Dear One:
Go forth, meet new people, have new life altering experiences. Share your special self with others and allow them to do the same with you.  Learn new things and above all, enjoy yourself!

Remember, as I watch from the bleachers, know that I am in awe of you.

Now go, spread your wings, with the absolute knowledge:
I love you, "To infinity and beyond"
Mom
xo

Maintain Your High Hopes

Who says you can't have high hopes and achieve whatever you set your heart, mind and body to? Robert Kennedy said: "Only those who dare to to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly."

Positive Adaptation's three elements; 'Think, Feel and Do' your best are also reflected well in these Ralph Marston quotes:


"Don't lower your expectations to meet your performance, rather, raise your level of performance to meet your expectations."


"Expect the best of yourself and then do what is necessary to make it a reality. Your goals, minus your doubts, equal your reality.


Take a moment to think about some of the strongest, positive, successful people you admire most. What are they famous for thinking, saying and/or doing? 


One that always comes to my mind is John F. Kennedy, (who's campaign song actually was "High Hopes", by Frank Sinatra). JFK asked: "If not now, then when? If not us, then who?"


What the people who came to your mind and you may have in common is their belief in themselves and the fortitude to stay committed to becoming the best they can be, while also helping others do the same, no matter what obstacles may fall in their path.


We, too, are capable of staying positive, strong and becoming successful, (in all areas of our lives). We do not need to lower our expectations below acceptable levels.

We can and will expect the best out of ourselves. We will dare to succeed. We can be happy and live rich, full lives.


So today, try humming the song "High Hopes" and remember, "Next time your found with your chin on the ground, there is a lot to be learned, so look around." Maintain your high hopes, "Your high apple pie in the sky hopes."


Make it a wonderful day!
Victoria

You Can Choose!

"With all that has happened to you, 
you can either feel sorry for yourself,
or treat all that has happened, as gifts. 
Everything is either an opportunity to grow 
or an obstacle to keep you from growing.
You get to choose."
~original author unkown


Sure, we may feel down and negative after things do not turn out the way we had hoped they would. However, in the long run, remaining in this mode only leads us to feeling more like victims.


A friend and mentor of mine, Dr. Susan Jeffers, is the author of, (among many others), Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway.  She published a list of key points on how to make better, (even if tougher), choices. 
Today I share with you:  http://www.susanjeffers.com/home/article.cfm


Another great book on how to make better choices is The Right Questions, by Debbie Ford.  Ford outlines "The 10 Right Questions" with clarity while offering a road map on how to and why: "If we want our lives to be different, better, then we must learn to make new choices which will lead us to new actions. These should be based on asking the right questions of ourselves."   When we do as Ford suggests, the chances we will experience better, more positive outcomes, goes way up.


Ford encourages the reader by reminding them that asking these questions "will give you the power and inspiration to consciously create a life you feel good about, one choice at a time."


Like Debbie Ford, I once read a statement by Tony Robbins, that continues to resonate with me today, "Quality questions create a quality life."


The choice is ours! We can choose to view experiences negatively or as opportunities for positive growth which will transform us into survivors!  If we have truly learned something, gained even better coping skills, eventually, we will think, feel and do better the next time.  


Positive growth is about being willing to ask ourselves the, tough, right questions, learning to make the best choices for ourselves and then having the courage to act upon them.


Be assured: I choose positive growth; no matter how difficult the path.


Victoria

Alone Does Not Have To Mean Lonely

As the holidays approach, many people find themselves feeling especially lonely.  This video was sent to me by a friends and I believe, through visuals, music and words, it shows that alone does not need to mean lonely.

Please watch "How To Be Alone" and decide for yourself: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7X7sZzSXYs

I believe the most lonely anyone ever feels is when they are in a crowd of people and they are uncomfortable with themselves; not when they are alone and in an "okay" place with themselves.

We can be our best company. We can think, feel and do better with this concept and accompanying feelings, starting now.

So, before the actual holiday season is completely upon us, let's contemplate the message in the video above and take some action.

There is much joy and freedom to be found when you care about yourself enough to be alone, without feeling lonely. A big goal for some, sure, but a very obtainable one. In fact, being able to be okay alone usually makes being with others that much more enjoyable.

Please let me know your thoughts on this concept and the video.

Until next time,
Victoria

A Look at Feelings: Part One

Fig. 1

Fig. 2

Feelings:

1. A subjective response to a person, thing or situation
2. An emotional state or reaction
3. The emotional side of someone's character,

emotional responses or tendencies to respond

There are a number of theories that have been proposed to describe and understand the nature of our feelings or emotions.

I think Richard Plutchick’s definition is one of the easiest to understand. His definition can be understood as more of a description of our emotions rather than an explanation of how our emotions work. Plutchik, an American psychologist, proposed that there is a basic set of emotions that all people experience. These emotions are a part of us and directly relate to our adaptive behavior that is designed to enhance our survival instincts, in the same way as the fight or flight response is designed to help us survive.

Plutchik's model is based on an emotion wheel with eight basic emotions, (see Fig. 1). Positive emotions are seen to have a positive impact on our health while negative emotions can make us feel ill. He suggests that we can experience a blend of emotions. These can be seen on the color wheel, which illustrates that emotions vary in their intensity, (see Fig. 2).

It seems to me, a majority of people experience feelings as black or white. For instance, if you’re not sad, you’re happy. I contend, for example, the opposite of love is not hate. The goal is: indifference. The ‘trick’ is how do I change my thinking to understand the ‘grey’ area between black and white and understand that this middle ground of feelings is both desirable and obtainable!

A drawback I find with Plutchik’s theory is that he provides little room for the cognitive thought process. Other studies, which have focused on the topic of emotions, believe this ‘grey’ area of emotional response to be an important component of the cognitive thought process. I support this type of integrative approach.

Enter, Stanley Schachter. He proposes that our environment, as well as, our thought process contribute to the type of emotional experiences we have in any situation. According to Schachter, we recognize the emotions we experience as coming from a number of interacting events. People must make an appraisal of the situation and then figure out which particular emotion(s) they are feeling. This process helps an individual appraise a situation, which in turn, affects the emotion(s) they experience.

Theories or no theories, the fact is we do have feelings.
I, for one, believe feelings do indeed interact with our thought process and subsequent actions. Therefore, feelings are vital to address in this context of Positive Adaptation.

More to come on feelings; how they serve us, what we can do to learn how to embrace them while at the same time, avoid letting them control us and/or our actions.

Until then...
Victoria

Happy Father's - DAD's Day!

Today is Father's Day. I choose to call it "Dad's Day", as I believe there is a distinction. Becoming a father is not all that difficult, however, Being a great Dad is!  So in honor of the day; a heartfelt thank you to all Dads!

Some of us have lost our Dad's, but please remember: Death ends a life, not a relationship. Today, let us remember all the love, support and pride they so freely showed us, the knowledge they imparted on us and the wonderful example they set for us.

Moms and dads: may you both celebrate the wonderful Dad you are becoming. You have the ability to follow a good example or choose to start a new tradition in great parenting!

To all of you who have become Dads to kids with different "biological fathers, I salute you!  You are a blessing to the kids and us, their mothers.  You are a great source of love, pride and worldly knowledege that might not otherwise be present in their lives.  Please know, especially today, you are greatly needed and appreciated!

Today is a great day to say, (and hear), Thank You, Dad. I love you!

So today, I say thank you both to my own Father and Dad, (I am sure you can hear me), and a special thank you to my son's "Dad", David.  We are both grateful that you are in our lives. WE love you!

Victoria

We Can Learn Much From Others

I chose to share this today as a valuable reminder to us all. We need not agree with nor follow all of the Ms. Regina Brett's lessons listed below to be and feel better about ourselves and our lives.

FYI: contrary to popular belief, Ms. Brett was not 90 years old when she wrote and published this. In fact, as of this date, she is only 54 years old. Regardless of age, she expresses great wisdom. It certainly appears to me she subscribes to some version of ‘Positive Adaptation’. What do you think?

"Regina Brett's 45 life lessons and 5 to grow on"

Published May 28, 2006 in "The Plain Dealer"

To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me.

It is the most-requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolls over to 50 this week, so here's an update:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.

16. Life is too short for long pity parties. Get busy living, or get busy dying.

17. You can get through anything if you stay put in today.

18. A writer writes. If you want to be a writer, write.

19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Overprepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: "In five years, will this matter?"

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

36. Growing old beats the alternative - dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable.

38. Read the Psalms. They cover every human emotion.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

41. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

42. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

43. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

44. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

45. The best is yet to come.

46. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

47. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

48. If you don't ask, you don't get.

49. Yield.

50. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

And two of my personal favorites: “Age is a matter if the mind. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter." and "Be happy while your are alive. You are dead for a lot longer."

Consider practicing at least some of Ms. Brett's, (and your own), life lessons today and just see how much better you 'Think, Feel and Do'!

Victoria

P.S. Please, let me know how it goes.

Thank You and I Love You

Thank you

and

I love you too!

My father, a man who said it was best to have "Smiling eyes and laughing lips", also taught me "It’s the little things in life that really matter." Bernard, (aka: Bernie, Dad, Professor, Opa and The General), a man who did indeed have 'smiling eyes and laughing lips', was also known to say when speaking of his life, (especially of his four children), “I am blessed!”

On this, my first real Father’s Day without him, (as last year it was just days after his death and too early to even begin to process), I say, “Dad, I was blessed to have had you.”

This post is not intended to be sad, in fact, quite the opposite. For all, who like me, have lost their beloved Dad’s, let us remember today all the love, support and pride they so freely showed us, the knowledge they imparted upon us and the wonderful example they set for us. Today, let us all say “Thank you and I love you.”

Last week, I spoke with a group of CEOs, many of whom stated that their fathers were always working and were rarely there, were alcoholics, suffered from other mental health issues or were just not in their lives at all. They asked me how they could learn to reconcile themselves to the past and create balance to obtain and sustain, a successful business and family life, in the future.

I explained to the group that Positive Adaptation is a way of life; including these three principles: 'Think, Feel and Do’ better, become the best you, you can possibly be and therefore, you will enjoy life to the fullest.

In response to their specific question, my answer was and is, "Be the example you wished you had had. First, you must identify what it is you felt you needed and wanted, however did not get, change this pattern in your own life, now and freely share all this positivity and wisdom with your own children."

For all of you who grieve for the father you never had, let today be a day of celebration for the person you are now becoming and the Dad you can or have become, (the one you wanted and needed yourself). And please, do not forget to hug your children and tell them you love them, often. I guarantee you and your children will feel and be better for having done so.

To all who have become Dad’s to children who have different 'biological' fathers, I salute you! You are a blessing to both the kids and their mothers. You are a great source of love, pride and worldly knowledge that otherwise might not be present in their lives. You give and share so much. Know you are greatly needed and are appreciated.

As Father’s Day is a special day to honor our Fathers/Dads, I believe the best gift I could ever give my father was a big hug and the knowledge that I am, indeed, happy, healthy, being the best I can be and enjoying life to the fullest. Well, Dad, I am proud to tell you, (and the world), I am today and I am teaching my son to Be and Do the same. Thank you for teaching me that even 'late bloomers', can and do eventually blossom and that no matter what, one should never give up on themselves. I know you never lost faith in me and you helped me to have faith in myself too.

Through Positive Adaptation, we can all learn to ‘Think, Feel and Do’ better and enjoy life to the fullest.

Today and everyday, I say “Thank you, Dad. I love you too!"

To learn more about my own father, please read: http://positiveadaptation.blogspot.com/2009/05/rich-full-colorful-life.html This waltz is for you now and always....

Photo by: Renee Rendler-Kaplan

(Thank you for capturing the moments!)