The road of positive change leads to renewal, happiness and freedom.
We continually need to make changes, (internally and often externally), to be the best we can be and do the best we can do. Doing so allows us to enjoy and live life to the fullest. With positive change comes happiness and real freedom.
I have written about change in the last several posts because we are in between seasons and change is in the air. The leaves have been changing their colors and now the trees are shedding the old in preparation for renewal in the spring. We are much like leaves and trees.
"Every human has four endowments: self awareness, conscience, independent will and creative imagination. These give us the ultimate human freedom...The power to choose, to respond, to change."~ Stephen R. Covey
The change called for may be of learning acceptance, (compromise, not settling), forgiveness, (ourselves and others), improved self care, and/or any of the other suggestions found throughout this blog site. We can make any change necessary, much more comfortably and with greater confidence, than ever before.
Whether personal, professional and/or relational, make the necessary changes. Remain open minded and fearless about becoming your best self. As my friend, Susan Jeffers proposes: "Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway".
There really is no other way. "The secret of happiness is freedom. The secret of freedom is courage." ~Thucydides
Try living through Positive Adaptation: 'Think, Feel and Do' differently. Positive change and renewal promote the happiness and freedom we seek.
Begin your renewal today.
* Please go through my archives for more ideas and suggestions on how you can be the best you can be!
Why then do we, all too often, give our permission and allow others to make us feel badly about ourselves? Remember, painful as it may be to admit, they are not doing it to us, we are allowing them.
We are in all types of 'relationships'; be they personal, professional or social, with people who we allow to diminish our own sense of self worth. In fact, we often seem to seek out these 'types'. Why?
We need to be honest with ourselves and identify the patterns of how we let these people into our lives, worse yet, once we realize their toxic effect, allow them to stay. Whether we have done so consciously or unconsciously, out of a sense of duty or obligation, the results are still the same: we feel poorly about ourselves and are unhappy. We must stop seeing ourselves through their eyes and begin to see ourselves as the best person we can be.
I suggest we allow it no more. Now is the time to learn to give ourselves permission to think, feel and do 'better'. This is the essence of 'Positive Adaptation'. Please look at the picture above once more and then you decide who do you want to be, the cat, the lion or a healthy combination of the two.
I am not suggesting that what others think or say to and about us may not offer some valuable insights. What I am saying is that first we must consider the source. Do they really have our best interests at heart? If so, wonderful, if not, we ought to stop listening immediately.
We need to discover who we are and who we are not, who we want to become and what are our true needs and wants are. What will make us think and feel 'better' about ourselves? What can we do to find ourselves living 'happier', more satisfying lives, enjoying mutually satisfying relationships.
It may sound like a daunting task however this is the only way to break our old, unhealthy patterns, once and for all. The answers lie within all of us.
Let us stop giving our permission to others to feel like inferior beings. Instead, let us begin to give permission to ourselves to think, feel and do our way into being the best we know we can be.
FYI: I see myself as both a cat and a lion, it depends on what the situation calls for. I am adaptable.
What matters most is how you see yourself. Feel free to let me know!
"But it's all right now, I learned my lesson well. You see you can't please everyone so ya got to please yourself"
~Ricky Nelson ("Garden Party")
Living life trying to please everyone is not only a daunting task, but is nearly impossible to do and remain healthy, (emotionally and/or physically), simultaneously. Of course we want to make other people happy but it cannot be at our own expense.
Attempting to live your life this way is how one becomes, (or remains), what is commonly know as a "People Pleaser" and is not the way to be your best self, live and enjoy life to the fullest. You cannot please everyone, but we must try to be truly pleased with ourselves. We must learn and continue to understand where 'they' end and 'we' begin.
Utilizing the principles of Positive Adaptation, you can learn to both please yourself and many others as well. We must 'Think, Feel and Do' our way into new, healthier and more realistic life skills.
Saying "No" or "Not now", once in a while, especially when necessary, is healthy. Being a parent has helped me learn this lesson well. Just imagine if we never heard or used the word 'no'. 'No' is a part of teaching, learning and practicing healthy boundaries. How many hot stoves should a child be allowed to put their hands on?
We can not be everything to everyone nor can we do everything, especially at the same time. What we can be and do is our best. This is true for all relationships; including marriage, dating, friendships, parenting, as well as, in the work place.
The truth is everyone may not be happy with us 100% of the time but we must remain true to ourselves. If not, the results will be that WE will be unhappy most of the time!
Take a moment out today when something is asked of you. Please give extra consideration to your answer. Ask yourself: "Is this the answer I really want to give or the answer I feel I am supposed to or need to give as to avoid experiencing rejection or conflict?"
In other words, try Positive Adaptation and 'Think, Feel and Do' differently today. If you feel 'No', 'Not now" or 'I really would rather not.', go ahead, express it, (in the nicest, most respectful fashion, of course).
Others, just as you have, will live through being told 'no' once in awhile. We cannot be the best we can be if we never do. Being a 'people pleaser' is not the way to emotional or physical health and well being.... being the best you can be today is.
'Think, Feel and Do' your best today. Try saying 'no' if that is how you really feel. Remember, you can't please everyone but you must try to be pleased with yourself!
Who says you can't have high hopes and achieve whatever you set your heart, mind and body to? Robert Kennedy said: "Only those who dare to to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly." Positive Adaptation's three elements; 'Think, Feel and Do' your best are also reflected well in these Ralph Marston quotes:
"Don't lower your expectations to meet your performance, rather, raise your level of performance to meet your expectations."
"Expect the best of yourself and then do what is necessary to make it a reality.Your goals, minus your doubts, equal your reality.
Take a moment to think about some of the strongest, positive, successful people you admire most. What are they famous for thinking, saying and/or doing?
One that always comes to my mind is John F. Kennedy, (who's campaign song actually was "High Hopes", by Frank Sinatra). JFK asked: "If not now, then when? If not us, then who?"
What the people who came to your mind and you may have in common is their belief in themselves and the fortitude to stay committed to becoming the best they can be, while also helping others do the same, no matter what obstacles may fall in their path.
We, too, are capable of staying positive, strong and becoming successful, (in all areas of our lives). We do not need to lower our expectations below acceptable levels.
We can and will expect the best out of ourselves. We will dare to succeed. We can be happy and live rich, full lives.
So today, try humming the song "High Hopes" and remember, "Next time your found with your chin on the ground, there is a lot to be learned, so look around." Maintain your high hopes, "Your high apple pie in the sky hopes."
"With all that has happened to you, you can either feel sorry for yourself, or treat all that has happened, as gifts. Everything is either an opportunity to grow or an obstacle to keep you from growing.
You get to choose." ~original author unkown
Sure, we may feel down and negative after things do not turn out the way we had hoped they would. However, in the long run, remaining in this mode only leads us to feeling more like victims.
A friend and mentor of mine, Dr. Susan Jeffers, is the author of, (among many others), Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway. She published a list of key points on how to make better, (even if tougher), choices. Today I share with you: http://www.susanjeffers.com/home/article.cfm
Another great book on how to make better choices is The Right Questions, by Debbie Ford. Ford outlines "The 10 Right Questions" with clarity while offering a road map on how to and why: "If we want our lives to be different, better, then we must learn to make new choices which will lead us to new actions. These should be based on asking the right questions of ourselves." When we do as Ford suggests, the chances we will experience better, more positive outcomes, goes way up.
Ford encourages the reader by reminding them that asking these questions "will give you the power and inspiration to consciously create a life you feel good about, one choice at a time."
Like Debbie Ford, I once read a statement by Tony Robbins, that continues to resonate with me today, "Quality questions create a quality life."
The choice is ours! We can choose to view experiences negatively or as opportunities for positive growth which will transform us into survivors! If we have truly learned something, gained even better coping skills, eventually, we will think, feel and do better the next time.
Positive growth is about being willing to ask ourselves the, tough, right questions, learning to make the best choices for ourselves and then having the courage to act upon them.
Be assured: I choose positive growth; no matter how difficult the path.
We all can and will need some help, at sometime in our lives. Having people in our lives that we can lean on is important to our over all sense of optimal well being. Consider the words of John Donne: "No man is an island".
We can learn to accept help or "lean" on family, partners, friends and/or the random acts of kindness from strangers. We can learn to welcome and embrace it without becoming dependent on it, (this is the fear or pattern of many).
Why is it that many of us either have such a difficult time asking for help and others of us, so easily expect and rely upon it? For many, disappointment in ourselves and others have formed a brick wall around us. Such negative experiences, events and feelings may have convinced some they need no one. In fact, others' support leaves some people to feel that they cannot negotiate life without others, leaving them uncomfortably vulnerable.
This has always been an interesting phenomenon to me. Maybe the answers lies in how and what we learned as children, how we integrated this into our adult lives and the cumulative effect of previous and more recent disappointments we have experienced.
I believe there is absolutely no shame in asking for or needing help once in a while, especially when it is needed. The real shame is in living totally reliant upon it or being utterly unable or unwilling to ask for and/or receive it.
We must also remember to seek the help we need from those who are capable of doing giving it. If not, we will be setting ourselves up for even more disappointment. We must learn to choose wisely. If we ask someone and they cannot, please leave yourself open to believing that another can and will! Trust me, we, (they), are out there.
As I often write and speak about, (as with many other issues), balance is always the key!
As a national and local responder for the American Red Cross: Disaster Mental Health Team, (in addition to being a licensed mental health clinician in private practice), I have seen thousands of people in need of help.
Let us consider survivors of disasters. Most survivors are willing to accept the material type of help offered; such as food, shelter and clothing, however, there are many less willing to accept, let alone ask for, assistance dealing with their emotional state of well being.
Feeling yourself to be strong is a good thing, however,"help" is not a dirty word nor does it mean the need for it equals weakness. The truth is, we all need a little help, someone to lean on, once in a while. It should not take a major disaster or life alerting event, to be open to the notion of requiring "help".
Lest us not forget....if we, ourselves, cannot ask for or accept help, how then can we be there, fully, for others when they do? Remembering "No man, (or woman), is an island" and be a person who helps others, as well as yourself. This really is another route to being the best we can be!
Positive Adaptation's proposes that we 'Think Feel and Do' better, become the best you, you can be, live and enjoy life to the fullest.
Let us try to 'Think, Feel and Do' better at being more open to asking for, receiving and being fully present to 'help'. May we learn how to lean on others, (when needed), and become someone who can be leaned upon.
* Thank you to all of my "helpers". Especially DH, RRK, DRK and HK. I only hope I give back as much as I have received.